surely, there had to be a way....

I've been thinking a lot about what it means to feel content. To feel "good", to feel real. I am not quite sure how far I've gotten, or even accomplished on the journey, but I believe I've found a lot of realization. Maybe that's being real? I don't know, nor am I sure I'll ever know.

I once heard that a song isn't ever completed, yet only abandoned. We've got all these melodies guiding us through the bars and notes, and a wide array of harmonies behind the derivative measures, but there's only so much time until we give up on those sounds. Until we get sick of the repetitive mediocre repertoire. Could that be true of life? I mean think about it, how many times do I find myself sick of moving through the motions? All of those hopes and dreams we have stored up in our hearts... how many of those have we abandoned? It's broad, but it's true. You can only pluck the same note so many times until the hint of dull sets in.

Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one basking in the realization of change. It hurts me not seeing the same 14 year old kid who's caught up in the moment when I look in the mirror. I woke up early this weekend and felt that pit of emptiness in my stomach. Life is dancing circles around me. Is it bad that I loved my memories so much that I still bask in them? It just feels like time is just another shining evil that holds us back. It only seems like yesterday we were getting rides to our friend's basements from our parents. It only seems like yesterday we were scared of seniors. It only seems like yesterday we were content with wasting time doing nothing in our favorite hang out (as long as loved ones were there to waste it with you). You build all these ideas of what the future will be like when you're naive and confident. The realization of time wasted, sets in when you notice that time has flashed by since then. That's scary. I loved high school and amazing memories that came along with it. The next thing I notice, I'm giving a graduation speech in front of a thousand people and gearing up for the next step of my life. Now I'm stuck in Ames, scared and naive again.

I'm scared to see what comes next. I'm scared of the day I stop thinking "am I actually doing this already?" I'm scared of the day it becomes routine to realize things will never be the way you believed them to become. Sometimes I'm content with that realization. More times, I am not. I don't want to abandon those songs, I don't want to abandon those dreams. Surely there has to be a way to live this life.

-to be continued .